The Stonecipher Report

I F---ing Hate Joe Morgan!

Posted By: Michael Sweeney

Apr. 18, 2009

So, my Cubbies are on ESPN’s "Sunday Night Baseball" again tomorrow night – two weeks in a row, this time against the rivaled Cardinals. Hey – it’s a convenient, national showcase…a premium event being shown off…so, I should look forward to it, right?

What's Yellow, Has Four Wheels and Can Kiss My Ass?

July 3, 2008

The Answer is a New York City Cab.

I F-ing Hate NY Cabbies

NY cabbies suck.  And if I could come up with a way to put them all out of business, I would. Anything that makes their jobs harder, I'm all for it:

Bigger fare increase that'll lower their tips - do it.

Make them all install expensive GPS systems - excellent idea.

Replace them all with robots - I'm in favor.

Now you're probably thinking, "What in the world could make him hate cabbies so much?" Well, there are many reasons.

For starters, if you live in a borough of New York City, there's a 90% chance that the cab you get into doesn't know how to get to where you want to go, even though that’s the only thing they actually have to know!  Learning your way around a city is not rocket science -- buy a damn map.

Another great reason to hate New York cabbies is that they drive like they're insane.  I have personally witnessed at least three cabs run down people on their bikes. 

I've been in a cab when they went the wrong way down a one way street, jumped out in traffic, cut off another cab, and then cursed out the other cab for having the nerve to honk at them.

But two reasons for hating New York City cabbies really jump to the forefront:  I live in Brooklyn and I am black.

For those of you who don't live in NYC, it's a fact of life that cabbies hate black people.

But that's common knowledge for the most part.  What most people outside of New York don't know is that they also hate going to Brooklyn.

Now, if you happen to be a black person trying to go to Brooklyn, well, then you've hit the daily double!

I've had cabbies just drive on by me. 

I've had them start to pull over to let me in, get a clearer view of me, and then speed off. 

I've had them pull up to me, roll down the window a crack to ask where I'm going (which is illegal by the way), and then speed off when I tell them The BK. 

I've also had them tell me that they are suddenly no longer in service. 

I've even had one pretend his cab broke down a block from where he picked me up. 

Whenever I tell this to my white friends, they are amazed, shocked, outraged, etc..., that this still happens in America.  Unfortunately, I'm used to it.

My fondest memory though, is when this Arab dude picked me up in his gypsy cab in Manhattan.  Normally I don't do gypsy cabs (those unmarked black cabs), but it was late, and it's not like I was having any luck with the regular yellow cabs.

After I got in and told him where I wanted to go, he refused to go anywhere until I paid him up front.

He also locked the doors so I couldn't jump out and run away without paying.  Normally, I would not have let this slide, but as I mentioned, it was late and I just wanted to go home.  So I paid the man and sat back for a quiet ride home.  However, it was not to be.

I guess he was afraid he had offended me, so he decided to explain why he asked me to prepay:  basically because black people are all thugs. I mean, I looked nice enough, but he couldn't take a chance, right?  We like to skip out on fares.  We're loud.  And if we actually do happen to stick around to
pay the fare, we skimp on the tip.

Now white people, they aren't great either, he continued.  They start wars, they don't care for the poor, and are basically the devil.  But there's one major difference: they tip well.  So in the end, that makes up for everything. 

I mean, homeboy was really feeling like he was dropping some knowledge on me.  Meanwhile, I'm just sitting in the back, saying nothing.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that there are pieces of truth to every stereotype. I'm sure he's had some bad run-ins that caused him to develop this particular philosophy.  But what exactly did he hope to gain by tell ME all of this?

As time has gone on I've learned to work the system a bit.  If you can hop in the cab before you tell them where you're going, the cabbie is stuck with you (a method employed by my white brethren who also live in the BK). 

Another tactic, if there happens to be a white girl around, I'll use her to hail the cab, and then jump in...and we're going to Brooklyn, bitch! 

I also make sure to tip well in the hopes of encouraging return trips to the boroughs. 

And if it's raining, well, I've actually never caught a cab in the rain; I'm pretty sure it's impossible.  So the subway it is (MTA, don't think you're off the hook.  You're on my list as well).

Now, after saying all of this, I do understand that every cabbie in NY is not like this, and that I'm using a broad brush to paint them all the same.  There are some good ones out there that are getting lumped in with the rest.  But here's the thing: I don't care.

The majority of them drive like madmen.  The majority won't drive to the boroughs, and if they will, they don't know their way around. The majority look at me like some thug that's going to rob them. The majority won't pick me up. 

Hence, I can only guess that the majority f-ing hate me.  And as such, I f-ing hate them back, because isn't that the American way?

Oh, and my friend who was dropping knowledge on me during the ride home?  Well, he didn't get a tip that night.  Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?

I F-ing Hate Digg

Before we get into “I F-ing Hate Digg” here’s a little background on the story:

Yesterday we posted a contest to see what all you Stonecipher Report readers F-ing hate.  The winner would be posted on the front page of TSR, and that contest is still ongoing.  You have until 9:00 PM Pacific Time tonight to make a submission. 

However, one of the submissions I already received was too good to pass up regardless of what else comes in.

Dpolitico is a blogger based out of Kansas and she makes regular posts to her site EndPoliticsAsUsual.com.  She does not always agree with me, but she has a great site and wrote THE funniest piece I read during the entire Primary Season entitled “Hillary Says Memphis National Champ Despite KU Having More Points.” 

Please take a minute to click on her site, I’ll put the links at the bottom of this post as well for when you’re done reading.

So without further ado here it is, I F-ing Hate Digg:

Hello, my name is dpolitico (well, not really, but I must protect my identity)(especially from diggers)(you know, the ones that love to hate you?)  I am addicted to Digg.  In the same way a drug addict is filled with self-loathing every time he takes a hit, I find myself totally unable to stop myself from submitting, commenting, digging and/or burying stories. 

It has consumed me. 

Every day is the same.  I write for my blog.  I think, "That was the cleverest thing any person has ever said about that specific thing that I just wrote about!  I must digg it!"  And here is where my day goes off the rails. 

First, there is the submission process.  Half the time you put in the link and hit submit and you get stuck spinning in cyberspace.  The other half, you get to the next step, write your headline, write your synopsis, spell check, decipher the gobbeldy gook letters and hit submit.  Then something blows up and you have to start over. 

If you actually make it to the third step (where you get to verify that your story isn't a duplicate even though it is a duplicate) and hit submit you get the "Whoa! Something just blew up!  Try Again!" message that makes you want to scream (but you can't because you're at "work" right?)

But, on a really good day, your link goes through, and there it is with that one digg (yours).  That means it's time to shout it to all those people who send you shouts every day (you know, the ones that pile up and make you feel guilty every time you submit and shout a new story without digging their stuff?). 

So you hit the "share" button.  Nothing happens.  You hit it again.  This time, the shout page loads so you hit "shout to all" and hit the "shout it!" button.  There's that spinning circle again.

By this point, if you haven't already, you're ready to throw your computer across the room.  Let's say you make it through this tedious process and get your post shouted.  Then you wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Your post sits there with just 1 digg.  The shame of knowing that in the entire universe you are the sole person responsible for that digg makes you cringe. 

Suddenly, it's 2 diggs and you rush to see if it was a "friend" or some kind-hearted soul who felt sorry for you. 

For the rest of your day, you check your post.  And at the end of the day you sadly come to realize that only 14 people in all the world thought you were funny (or astute, or insightful, yada yada).  And that is the come down that sucks.  And that is why, the next day, you will post again, and digg again, and shout again and hope again that this time, this day, at least 50 people will get me.

I F-ing Hate Digg.

Once again, here are the links to dpolitico’s site:

End Politics As Usual

“Hillary Says Memphis National Champ Despite KU Having More Points”

Dpolitico’s Profile on digg.com (I may be an enabler, sorry)

What Do You F-ing Hate?

Posted By: Stonecipher

June 29, 2008

Over the past couple of days here at The Stonecipher Report we've had quite a response to a post originally titled "A Quick Note From Idaho (And Why I Hate Wal-Mart)."  It was posted on Digg.com and several other social bookmarking websites under the title "I F-ing Hate Walmart."  The Rick then quickly responded with his own take "I F-ing LOVE Wal-Mart." 

The huge response got me to thinking, what does everyone else "F-ing Hate?" 

And I would like to know what the readers of TSR really truly f-ing hate. 

So I'm proposing a little contest.  Send me your 250 - 500 word rant about what you f-ing hate at StoneTSR@gmail.com and the best entry will be posted on the front page of TSR!  This will undoubtedly lead to massive fame and fortune for you, or at least your three minutes of fame (I don't think it's 15 minutes anymore, the internet seems to have made it shorter...and I think three sounds good). 

I may actually post more than one if I find some good ones. 

Now the fine print, and just to mix things up a bit I'm going to make the fine print very large and bold:

If you send an email to me at StoneTSR@gmail.com that includes a rant about what you f-ing hate you understand that I may edit it slightly (not for content, just for minor errors), post it to The Stonecipher Report at http://stonecipher.typepad.com, market the posting on several social bookmarking sites and I will not pay you at all for it.  I'd love to be able to pay you, but I can not.  Also, I will not open any attachments, so please copy and paste your submission into the body of your email.

With that said, I look forward to your submissions and if this goes well maybe we'll have a new writer at TSR soon!

Thanks and good luck!

Oh, and you have until tomorrow night (Monday, June 30 at 9:00 PM Pacific Time to submit it.  I know that's a short period of time, but if I give you too long you'll all put it off until later and forget about.  So start writing!   

Stonecipher   

I F-Ing LOVE Wal-Mart!

By: The Rick

June 28, 2008

Wal-Mart, as American as Apple Pie and Baseball

Well while my dear friend Stonecipher was off ranting and raving about his horrible experience at his local Wal-Mart, it gave me a second to ponder- why do so many people hate Wal-Mart? 

I guess the first thing I can say is who the hell really has that strong an opinion on anything, let alone a store?  As I took an evening to look at my own beliefs about Sam Walton and his now famous line of stores I started to realize two things.  Number one, everyone I know who truly hates Wal-Mart is a certified card-carrying Communist.  Number two- I love Wal-Mart!!  SO, here is my list of reasons I love Wal-Mart and therefore America!

I love any place you can drop your car off to get an oil change and do your grocery shopping while you wait. 

I love any store where you can buy a five pound package of bacon.

I love paying cheap prices for everything.  I went there the other night to get some Gatorade and ended up buying a $6 pair of khaki shorts.  Only at Wal-Mart!

I love the old people who greet me at Wal-Mart and are truly pleased that I have chosen to shop there. 

I love the fact that Wal-Mart has their own knock off brand which is EVEN CHEAPER than the prices to begin with.

I love that their brand has the name Wal- in everything.  Like Wal-borne instead of Air-Borne.  Stealing someone else’s idea and making the same product cheaper!  That’s the American way, and PURE CAPITALISM.

I love that Wal-Mart is the chief employer of the unemployable in every town in America.  In the words of Judge Smails from Cadsdyshack (and in tribute to Ted Knight, one of the most underrated comedy actors of all time) “The world needs ditch diggers too!" 

The fact is that I don’t have time to go to five different stores to get everything I need and compare prices when I can just go to Wal-Mart and get everything cheap.

I love that in urban areas, you can hear at least 10 different languages being spoken at Wal-Mart.  And that’s just at the checkout line.  Its like a poor man’s UN meeting.

I love that Wal-Mart is single handedly supporting the entire GDP of the state of Arkansas.

I love that you can get an eye exam at my local Wal-Mart.

I love that there is a Subway sandwich store in my local Wal-Mart.

And to all you haters:  this is America.  The market should dictate whether people are being paid fair wages, whether prices for goods are too high and what you should be able to buy in any store, not the government.  If you want those choices made for you move to Venezuela and let Hugo Chavez decide what you watch on TV. 

America: the place that everyone hates, yet millions of people are breaking the law to get into every year.  Truly amazing. 

I am making an appeal to all of you to join me in adding to the list of things you love about Wal-Mart, and I will continue to do the same  My goal is to make the Wal-Mart issue THE hot issue of the ’08 campaign.  It’s the abortion of the 2010’s.

Read my lips, I love Wal-Mart!

God Bless America!!

Follow Up to "I F-ing Hate Wal-Mart"

Wow.

So I didn’t really expect what just happened here at The Stonecipher Report today. As of this writing we have had over 100,000 hits today, and they don’t seem to be slowing down.

My brief story about a bad experience at Wal-Mart has apparently taken the social book marking sites by storm. It is the number one story on all of digg.com right now with 3,409, check that 3,412 diggs. It also hit at least number seven (above the fold) on reddit.com’s front page, but I never checked back to see if it got any higher.

While I’m thrilled to have all of this traffic, I’m a little disappointed that this happened with a piece like this.

I was literally sitting in the lobby of the hotel that I had just checked out of and I wanted to write a quick note to the regular 200 - 400 people who stopped and give them an update.

After a few sentences I felt the urge to carry on and vent a little bit about my rotten Wal-Mart experience, and then I posted it after scanning quickly for major errors. The whole thing took me about 20 minutes from start to finish.

Then I had a little more time so I figured, why not post it to digg and reddit and just see how this all plays out?

So that’s the story of one of the day’s biggest articles on two major social book marking sites.

Not much effort, turned into a lot of hype, which is great.

What truly amazes me however, is that, at this point, almost 1,000 more people have dugg my post than the number two post on digg.com which is titled "Bill Gates Retires Today".

That’s insane!

That means that at this point, more people in the wide world of digg.com actually chose to digg a story about some random blogger’s bad oil change at Wal-Mart rather than a piece about the richest man in the world retiring from one of the most well known companies on the planet.

The Rich Man will most likely catch me in number of diggs in a few hours, but that’s not the point. I guess the point is that as a relatively new blogger I’m still working to figure out what works and what doesn’t. And I just learned that a title may not be everything, but it can go a real long way.

As a side note, one of my fellow Top Ten popular posts on digg is really worth checking out. If there’s any justice this will eventually knock me out of the top spot. It’s called "The Douchiest Phone Message in History" and it is as funny as it sounds.

Back to the topic at hand, the story of the oil change has directly impacted my life today. There seems to have been more damage done by the people at Wal-Mart than simply trying to charge me for oil they didn’t put in. I’m not sure exactly what is wrong now, but the car won’t accelerate past 22 MPH. Not conducive for cross country road tripping.

As a result, I’m still here in Idaho Falls, ID. By the way, that is not where the incident took place. The incident occurred hundreds of miles to the west and is only now catching up to me.

So since I’ll be here for a while, my initial note telling everyone that I wouldn’t be posting much can be updated to check back regularly for more stuff cause all I have is a motel room, an internet connection a laptop and a blog.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by, including those of you who felt it necessary to question my sexuality or intelligence since I did not change my own oil. Keep coming back, I bet I can make you even more angry at me next time!

Also, look out for The Rick's response to me.

A Quick Note From Idaho (And Why I Hate Wal-Mart)

Hey everyone, been on the road for two days now and I'm about to pull out of Idaho Falls, ID and head north and then east into Montana.

The drive has been beautiful so far.  Eastern Oregon is incredible.  I had driven through there in the past, but it was night time and I didn't know what I was missing, but wow, one of the most colorful places I've ever been.

My travel was delayed a bit, however, when I stopped to get my oil changed, and I thought the story was worth passing along.

Now, I ordinarily avoid Wal-Mart like the plague, but I needed a change and I was about to hit a piece of road with no services for over 100 miles, so I figured I better get it done while I had the chance. 

Sadly, the ONLY place in town to change my oil was at the local Wal-Mart.  So as sick as it made my stomach, I pulled up and did it.

The girl (yes, not a woman) who took my information seemed friendly at first.  She politely inquired about the full car load of stuff and said "you must be going somewhere cool." 

"Chicago" I said with a smile.

I handed her the keys to the car and stepped out.  She told me it would be a 20-minute wait, so I grabbed the iPod and the paper I had and went into the waiting room. 

By the way, the one thing I was happy about was that at least this oil change was going to be cheap.  Under $25.

About 25 minutes later the girl came into the waiting room and told me the car was ready.  I paid, took back my keys and jumped in, ready to hit the open road again. 

But when I turned on my car the oil monitoring system said I was still at 10% of my oil's life. 

That was weird.

I got out of the car and asked the girl if she was sure that the oil change had in fact been done.  She said "Yep, I know it was, cause I did it myself."

"Can you explain why my car is telling me it hasn't been?"

"Well we don't reset the meter in any of those Japanese cars" was her response.

I thought maybe she was right.  In all honesty, I wasn't sure if this was something that had to be reset myself or if the car automatically did it upon an oil change.

The only way to find out was to check for myself.  So I headed back to the car, popped the hood, and stuck in the dipstick.

Sure enough, it was almost empty.

Unreal.  They had just charged me $24 and told me they had changed the oil, but it was never done!  They knew they were the only place for miles and miles, this could cause serious problems for people without the monitoring system to alert them it wasn't done.

If it wasn't for that I never would have thought to double check.  In the future I will.

Anyhow, at this point I wasn't Wal-mart's happiest customer ever.  So I went back in and told the girl what I found. 

She called in the mechanic and IN FRONT OF ME said to him "why didn't you change the oil?"  Clearly she either forgot, or just didn't care that she had already told me that SHE had done it.

His response was "You told me to just pull it into the lot, you didn't say anything about an oil change."

I was on the mechanic's side for a minute until he looked at me and said "When we get these foreign cars in here, sometimes it gets confusing." 

Now I was just livid.

First of all, my car being foreign was 100%, fully and completely irrelevant to the fact that they had just charged me $24 to allow my car to sit in their garage for 24 minutes before pulling it into their parking lot.  A dollar a minute.  Wow.

On top of that, the disdain for my foreign car was becoming very apparent now.  Which was also irritating.  My bet is that neither of these people knew that while their own American cars were built by foreign workers for next-to-nothing wages, all of my Honda Civic (with the exception of the engine) was assembled in Ohio by well paid, and highly skilled Americans.

The parts were also produced in Indiana, Kentucky and Ohio, once again, by American workers.

Long story short, I thought about getting a manager and demanding my money back.  And in retrospect, I should have.  But I wanted to get back to the road and try to keep my blood pressure low.  So I waited a few more minutes while the mechanic replaced the oil in my ever-so-complex Civic and instead of getting my money back I'll just blog about what a rotten, evil and horrible place Wal-Mart is.

I hate Wal-Mart.

Ok, so now it's time for me to hit the road, so much for this being a quick note.