Online "University" Allows FOX News’s Cryin’ Pitchman to Try and Rewrite History – One Scribbled-On Blackboard at a Time…
Posted By: Michael Sweeney
July 14, 2010
If you’ve got one of those computers and just $9.95 per month – or 75 smackers per year – (in check, credit, or even valuable gold!), you can get an education miles beyond what’s available at all those hoity-toity Ivy League or California state universities. Yes, for just a teensy bit more effort and attention than watching TV, you can get a fine, trust-worthy, passive, non-studying, no-reading-required "real" American education from trusted sources chosen by a beloved, thoughtful, tearful modern patriot.
Welcome to Beck University! And, hey, screw the "Liberal Arts" sorta, elitist, from-the-top-down kinda education that they’re selling over at Harvard or Yale or ESPECIALLY UC-Berkeley (and we STILL ain’t too fond of places like the University of Wisconsin at Madison and Kent State, either). Nah, this is where you’re gonna find – and, lookit this! I just made this up! – a "Conservative Arts" degree in all the important things about our beloved Homeland that those pinko tenured profs WON’T teach you (what with their robes and their pipes and their assumed tendencies to vote Democratic). Allow the Great Man, Glenn Beck himself, to fill you in about – for example – our first hour of online classes, on "Faith 101": "You will learn more in the next hour than you probably learned in your entire life about American history!"
That’s right! And the first lesson to learn? Um, that paid-for hour is more like 37 minutes, but, hey, we try to pack it all in there for you and, besides, we all got other stuff to do, other places to be, am I right? Right! And, anyway, we ain’t like all them snotty rich college kids, loafing around on Mom and Dad’s dime or – even worse! – a government handout to b.s. it up on some campus and go to those football games and play that beer pong and listen to their iPods and kick around that damn hacky-sack and try to date them cheerleaders or whatever. You surf it in, we give it to you straight, and then we can all get back to our "real" lives, here in the Real America. It’s what those marketing geniuses like to call a "win-win"!
Check out that first class, where you’ll get an eye-opening look at what the Founding Fathers REALLY intended when they set things up in this, the Greatest Country in the History of the World. I mean, you get all those damn "Progressives" talking about that "Separation of Church and State" crap, but – well, I don’t want to spoil it for ya before you make your payment and settle in for that first lesson to load, but – the "true," everyday "reality" of our Christian nation is that those wise men back then REALLY based ALL of their Declarations and ALL of those Constitutional Rights and Amendments on the sermons they’d been hearing for years in church! Doesn’t that make the most sense? You bet it does! Hey, we say it right there in the class, so…it MUST be true, right? Rightio!
And, didja also know that a majority of those Declaration of Independence signers were also ministers? Hey, why would we say something like that if we were only trying to play with reality and cloud up the facts for people too busy (or maybe not quite bright enough) to learn the ACTUAL reality for themselves? They don’t want to tell you about that stuff over on CNN or – especially! – on MSNBC, but many of the Founders went to "Seminaries" for their higher education. And, yeah, those atheist secular humanists may try to tell you that a "Seminary" was what they called many colleges in those days, but…we all KNOW they are just trying to bend what they call the facts of history to suit their sad little limited biases and prejudices. WE all – those of us in the REAL parts of this great nation – know what’s REALLY what, don’t we? They went to "seminaries," so…they MUST’VE been ministers…and then our country MUST’VE been absolutely based on ONE, overwhelmingly correct faith! Maybe things have gotten a bit "obscured" (one of them 10-dollar words those Libs like to use!) over the intervening 234 years, but…we’ll set it all straight for ya! So, if ya DON’T know about the REAL, secret history of the United States, well, then just let US teach you all about it over at Beck U.!
And, anyway, whaddaya gonna do, trust yer learnin’ to one of those online-scammer, give-us-yer-money-for-a-diploma places, like that pop-up-ad-driven University of Phoenix? Don’t make me laugh – or cry! Hey, just cuz they’ve got handy parking doesn’t mean they’re any more of a "real" school than our dear Beck U. Plus, we’ve got your souvenir t-shirts and bumper stickers, coffee mugs and shot glasses – everything ya need to show and prove (and help remind) that ya got an A-number-1 "edumacation" from the leading, gold-standard (pun valuably intended!) name in truth, justice, and the American Way. (Well, this side of Superman, I suppose – but, hey, he’s a made-up figure, right? And we all know that Glenn Beck is 110% real, authentic, and absolute!)
Upcoming classes include "Why George Washington Was Great, Thomas Jefferson Was Misunderstood, and Woodrow Wilson and Teddy Roosevelt Were Pure Evil," "Is Obama Hitler, Mao, Lenin, or Stalin? (You MUST Choose One)" (and I hear there’s extra-credit available for that one if ya know who "Pol Pot" and "The Sandinistas" were), and "Economics 101: Gold – Buy Gold NOW…To Protect Yourself and Your Family and Your Beloved Country (No, NOT Just Because Their Advertising is Keeping My Show Afloat)." See – a fine, balanced education for a buncha TRUE AMERICANS!!! If you don’t take these classes and get yourself properly learned, well, sad to say, the terrorists win…I mean, we already know how they won on November 4, 2008, so…don’t let it happen again!
…So, don’t let those brainiacs and Mensa members and smart-alecky wise-asses try to continue polluting the air with all of their "knowledge" and "teaching" and "Great Books" and "actual factual history" sorta crap. Aim your browser at the would-be-ivy-covered-if-they-existed halls of Beck University, cuz, hey, it’s only 10 friggin’ bucks a month, it’s not like you’ve got THAT many better things to waste yer time on, and, don’t forget, that next deserved vacation home for Chairman Beck ain’t exactly gonna build itself! (Oh yeah, and we ain’t got no campus bookstore or anything else Liberal-faggy-reader like that, but…we can ABSOLUTELY get ya deals on PLENTY of copies of "Arguing With Idiots" and "The Overton Window"…Please call now – operators are standing by!)
Look for my regular posts here on The Stonecipher Report. (And, for a free subscription to my twice-weekly e-mail column on politics and pop-culture, "And, in the News…" send a note to: firstname.lastname@example.org)