Posted By: Michael Sweeney June 22, 2009 In case you may have missed this last week, we had a special "guest" on The Stonecipher Report radio show…(BTW, we’ll be back on today, available over the air or via the Internet...on Monday, June 22, from 3:00 - 4:00 PM Chicago time on WHPK-FM, 88.5 FM…and, of course, you can also hear us online at WHPK.org, streaming live from 1:00 - 2:00 PM on the West Coast, 4:00-5:00 PM on the East Coast (just click the "Listen" tab or the "We are STREAMING" window on the station's website)).
...So, here’s a very special transcript of the fascinating interview I did on Tuesday with "Billy Jeff," a very famous political man of the ‘90s (and beyond) whose voice you would all find familiar (as long as the impression didn’t fail TOO much)…Enjoy!
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Michael Sweeney: Here at The Stonecipher Report radio show, we pride ourselves on bringing you the latest news and commentary from the progressive, liberal, and even the Cubs-fan side of the spectrum. Now, as longtime listeners – or readers of our many pieces at Stonecipher-dot-typepad-dot-com – might know, both I and our absent-today site-honcho, Tyler Rippeteau, were (and remain) longtime, HUGE supporters of Barack Obama. In fact, I count as one of the greatest moments in my life being among the happy throng in Chicago’s Grant Park on Election Night, 2008, to celebrate his historic victory and hear the then-President-Elect first officially set out his next steps in the important changes his election brought to this country. Along with Bobby Kennedy, he is among my top 2 favorite politicians ever…
Billy Jeff: AHEM!
MS: …Ah, right – not seeming to go overboard or anything there.
BJ: That’s quite all right…
MS: Now, allow me to introduce our fabulous imaginary guest today, a legend in his own time and mind AND undoubtedly one of at least 44 men to occupy at least SOME prominent occupation in the history of the United States of America…and, well, he’s a bit undercover today…
BJ: Heh-heh – I’m not even supposed to be here. Hillary thinks I’m out raising foundation funds or something…
MS: …Right – so, let’s just refer to him by a bit of a first-name, middle-name nickname, and just call him "Billy Jeff" – welcome, sir!
BJ: Well, glad to be here…but, when you booked me, your e-mail DID say something about this being a campus-based station and all the attractive young co-eds that would be nearby, but…here we are, just you and me – two middle-aged guys – in a bit of a cramped little studio. Where’s all the alleged college chicks you mentioned?
MS: Ah, well, this IS a university campus we’re in the middle of, and…
BJ: Plus, I just figured it out – it’s summer now, isn’t it? Off-term…[chuckling] why you, sneaky son of a…
MS: Well, sorry, sir – I just wanted to pump it up a bit and make it sound – well, maybe a little more appealing to you.
BJ: Well, I gotta say, you played that well, my friend…heh-heh…well, maybe there’ll be some summer-semester girls out there on my way out of here…so – OK, just carry on!
MS: Thank you, sir. Now, welcome once again to The Stonecipher Report, and our new feature that I guess we can call – for lack of a better name – "Ask Billy Jeff."
BJ: Hey, that’s me!
MS: Right…now, allow me to toss a few questions your way.
BJ: Go ahead – try and do your worst…heh-heh.
MS: OK, first off, what is it like to, um, let me put this a bit delicately – to have gone from such power and fame to now being "just" a supportive spouse to a highly-placed wife?
BJ: Are you kidding? It’s GREAT! Do you have any idea how much out-of-the-country time the Secretary of State logs? I’ll tell you what – a heck of a lot more than just a Senator! She’s off to China, the Middle East, Jakarta, Samarkand – whatever. And little ol’ Billy Jeff just sticks at home these days, keeping the homefires burning and the hearth warm and clean (heh-heh). You can come by anytime to make sure that I’m there, too – and by myself, of course! (Uh, just make sure to give me a ring first before ever coming by, just so I can be sure that the place is straightened up and there ain’t like any secret Presidential or Secretary-of-State-ian papers left laying around or anything…that’s all I ask…)
MS: Well, that certainly sounds fair enough. But what about those OFFICIAL sorts of receptions and dinners and things, where you’re expected to attend as a spouse – do you feel like some sort of fifth wheel at those, while your wife is off conducting business with the various foreign heads of state?
BJ: Again – are you freakin’ kidding me? For example, have you ever SEEN French President Sarkozy’s wife? Carla Bruni – the model, nude pictures, and all? She’s freakin’ HOT! You bet – put me at the spouse’s table, heh-heh. Any place, any time. And some of them other European leaders’ wives aren’t bad, either. Oh man, I’ll bet that Margaret Thatcher’s hubby used to be knee deep in all that back in the day…oh, wait – did I just say that last part out loud? Well, maybe we should just move along…
MS: OK. So, what about the 2008 Democratic primary battle – how did all of that go for you and…
BJ: Wait, wait – didn’t you get my e-mail where I said that subject was mucho el offo limits, senor? The past is past and history moves along, OK? So, all best to President Obama…and let’s just move along, OK?
MS: Sorry about that, but what did you think about Rahm Emanuel getting in there as Obama’s Chief of Staff after working for you back in the…
BJ: What about "Mucho el offo limits" is so hard for you to understand? Next question, please…and maybe we should hurry this up – I’m not sure this impression is gonna keep hanging together much longer…
MS: Um…OK, well, but most of the rest of what I had was about the historic primary battle and how the need and call for change might’ve gone against you and Hillary and…
BJ: Like I said, moving along…
MS: OK…hmm, so nothing about the current administration either, huh?
BJ: Nope – and don’t even dream about mentioning Bill Richardson OR John Edwards – man, getting caught cheating on a beloved wife WITH CANCER; what the heck was that guy thinking? – no, I’m not going there, either.
MS: Um, OK…[pause]…uh…well [pause]…let’s see – um, have you heard any good songs lately?
BJ: Ooh, well I really like that new Black Eyed Peas one – "Boom Boom Pow!" Have you heard that?
MS: Uh, yeah, I guess so…
BJ: That Fergie – she’s so three-thousand-and-eight, while you’re so two-thousand-and-late – I love that part! Man can she dance, too (hmm, I wonder who I should call to try and meet her…)
MS: Ah, well, I DID see will.i.am from the Peas in Grant Park on Election Night, so…probably someone in the Obama Administration could probably put you in touch with him and then with Fergie. Maybe Rahm’s got a phone number or something…
BJ: Man, you just don’t quit with that stuff, do you?
MS: Alright – I’m sorry again. Why don’t we try a completely different subject.
BJ: OK – sounds like an idea to me.
MS: OK, let me toss out a few names and see what your reactions are to them.
BJ: Oh, you mean like some kind of free-associating, huh?
MS: Yes, something like that. So, when I say "Al Gore," what comes to mind first?
BJ: He would’ve been President if he let me campaign for him more.
MS: I think you’re right, sir – especially in Louisiana and Arkansas.
BJ: Yep, and if he wins those two close states – where, by the way, they still LOVED me – then Florida wouldn’t have mattered.
MS: Good call. OK, then what about when I say "Joe Lieberman"?
BJ: Ah, I hate to say something bad about a guy, but…
MS: No, no – go ahead. Feel free – we do it here all the time!
BJ: Well, he’s kinda a flip-flopping slimeball, isn’t he?
MS: Yep, plus he kinda looks like the evil, plotting Chancellor Palpatine from the "Star Wars" prequels.
BJ: You know, I noticed that, too! Heh-heh…that’s pretty funny.
MS: OK, how about another one – I say "Rush Limbaugh" and…
BJ: Man, that turd made his career off of dissing me!
MS: OK, what if I mention "John McCain."
BJ: Oh, he’s a fine American statesman.
MS: Well, OK, then there’s this one, and I know you had some differences about his endorsement during the oh-eight primaries…
BJ: Watch yourself!
MS: …OK, so, when I say "Ted Kennedy," you say…
BJ: Uh [pause] he’s ALSO a fine American statesman.
MS: Fair enough. Let me twist it a little. What if I say, "Sharon Stone"?
BJ: Ha! You think you’re gonna catch me on something like that? I would say "she’s a fine American actress."
MS: Well, then let’s try this: "Pamela Anderson."
BJ: Mmmm – "she’s an EXCEPTIONALLY fine American actress."
MS: Hmm, OK…then what if I say, "Monica…"
BJ: THAT’S ENOUGH! Just when I thought you were gonna behave…well, that’s too much now – here, take your headphones back…and you can quit moving back and forth between the two microphones, pretending to have some sort of conversation – I am outta here! [sound of headphones clunking down…]
MS: Well – OK. Ooh, sorry about that…and there he goes, out the studio door. Uh, so, that WAS our special guest, Billy Jeff…and, well, maybe if I spend some time sucking back up to him via e-mails, we might be able to get him back on someday. Until then…this is The Stonecipher Report…and, well, how about some music now?
Look for my regular posts here on The Stonecipher Report. (And, for a free subscription to my twice-weekly e-mail column on politics and pop-culture, "And, in the News…" send a note to: m_l_sweeney@hotmail.com)
