The Night Before Christmas...at the Blagojevich House

Posted By: Michael Sweeney

Dec. 24, 2008

(with much apologies to either Clement Clarke Moore or Henry Livingston…)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, ‘round Blago’s home, car, and sheds

Not a creature was taping, not even the Feds;

Trib editorials were hung with darts tossed at their pages –

But that was last week, now B-Rod was over his rages;

The children were distributed to various Mells,

While Blago and Patti contemplated barred cells;

She with her sailor’s mouth and he with his hair

Were wondering what plea deals might seem to be fair

When outside their house there arose such a clatter,

They knew it was news crews…so they donned clothes that flatter.

Away to the lit cams, B-Rod flew like a flash,

While silently wondering should he only talk for cash.

The glare from 2, 5, and 7 glowed so brightly and strong

And there was the Trib’s 9 and FOX News, who knew he was wrong.

When, what to the Guv’s ears floated in so quick

Were questions about who he favored for the Senatorial pick.

Ah, the scribes DID still care, Blago mused in his head

(Even though he did truly wish some of them dead).

More rapid than Cubs errors did the queries inflame

As the reporters demanded he toss them a name.

"Ah, Jarrett! Or Jackson! Or Luis or Emil!

Or Jan, even Lisa (wouldn’t that have been ill?)

Could be Tammy the vet…or the guy from the Hyatt

Though things have been tough, I just haven’t decided yet!"

He heard the name "Quinn" tossed and just plain ignored it

And then came a bribe joke – where’d they get that dumb shit?

He felt the tide turning (and not in his way)

But he couldn’t just flee them – he had to still stay.

Rod thought about maybe giving ‘em that Kipling again…

Then heads started turning – he heard "What?" and then "When?"

From the back of the crowd there arose such a gasping

The reporters parted, microphones and pens still grasping

"Durbin got through to Bush!," came the loud voices cryin’ –

‘Cause there in the middle was a commuted George Ryan.

He was dressed all in orange, a jumpsuit grown baggy

He’d lost him some weight, ‘though his jowls were still saggy.

The ol’ pharmacist had just walked out of the pen

Without ever admitting guilt or even making a friend

Lura Lynn and the kids had driven all day

To deliver him there, to give him his say.

B-Rod was a-stunned to see his precursor freed

But…maybe, he thought, this is the distraction I need!

Ryan’s eyes – how they looked dead! His skin was so pale!

His nose it was swollen – hey, it was a tough year in jail.

His cruel little mouth showed that ol’ GOP smirk

And he looked quite unlikely to take crap from some jerk.

"Here I am," he cried out – "The Guv of Christmas past

I told you I was innocent – they let me out at last!"

The cameras and mikes started circling old Ryan;

Most reporters knew when he spoke, he likely was lyin’.

But George waved off questions, said he didn’t play their game;

Said he was there to see Rod, so he didn’t end up the same.

"Oh, the Feds are just phony – they lie to the judge

And even my best lawyers couldn’t get the jury to budge.

Now, I see that my young successor could use a hand –

I’m here to advise him, to keep him out of the stand."

At that, the crowd turned back, again looking toward Blago…

But not even Patti was there – so where had they gone to?

…A week later the word came in New Year’s Day

That Rod and his wife had apparently up and ran away.

Some say to Vallarta; others insisted Peru –

Not too many cared, it seemed the best thing to do.

So, with Obama in the White House and Quinn in Springfield

Things calmed the hell down and the state felt more healed.

Some insisted that B-Rod and Ryan had a plan

To stick it to Fitzgerald and not give him his man.

But, all things considered, most thought his exit was neat

(Still, did Gov. Quinn have to give Oprah the seat?)

And while the black SUVs had suddenly pulled away

Some witnesses insisted they saw Blago that day…

They claimed he shouted out, ere he drove toward the south,

"Happy Christmas, you fuckers! Hope you all take it in the mouth!"

For more coverage of Illinois politics, look for my regular posts here on The Stonecipher Report. (And, for a free subscription to my twice-weekly e-mail column on politics and pop-culture, "And, in the News…" send a note to: m_l_sweeney@hotmail.com)