By: The Rick
June 28, 2008
Wal-Mart, as American as Apple Pie and Baseball
Well while my dear friend Stonecipher was off ranting and raving about his horrible experience at his local Wal-Mart, it gave me a second to ponder- why do so many people hate Wal-Mart?
I guess the first thing I can say is who the hell really has that strong an opinion on anything, let alone a store? As I took an evening to look at my own beliefs about Sam Walton and his now famous line of stores I started to realize two things. Number one, everyone I know who truly hates Wal-Mart is a certified card-carrying Communist. Number two- I love Wal-Mart!! SO, here is my list of reasons I love Wal-Mart and therefore America!
I love any place you can drop your car off to get an oil change and do your grocery shopping while you wait.
I love any store where you can buy a five pound package of bacon.
I love paying cheap prices for everything. I went there the other night to get some Gatorade and ended up buying a $6 pair of khaki shorts. Only at Wal-Mart!
I love the old people who greet me at Wal-Mart and are truly pleased that I have chosen to shop there.
I love the fact that Wal-Mart has their own knock off brand which is EVEN CHEAPER than the prices to begin with.
I love that their brand has the name Wal- in everything. Like Wal-borne instead of Air-Borne. Stealing someone else’s idea and making the same product cheaper! That’s the American way, and PURE CAPITALISM.
I love that Wal-Mart is the chief employer of the unemployable in every town in America. In the words of Judge Smails from Cadsdyshack (and in tribute to Ted Knight, one of the most underrated comedy actors of all time) “The world needs ditch diggers too!"
The fact is that I don’t have time to go to five different stores to get everything I need and compare prices when I can just go to Wal-Mart and get everything cheap.
I love that in urban areas, you can hear at least 10 different languages being spoken at Wal-Mart. And that’s just at the checkout line. Its like a poor man’s UN meeting.
I love that Wal-Mart is single handedly supporting the entire GDP of the state of Arkansas.
I love that you can get an eye exam at my local Wal-Mart.
I love that there is a Subway sandwich store in my local Wal-Mart.
And to all you haters: this is America. The market should dictate whether people are being paid fair wages, whether prices for goods are too high and what you should be able to buy in any store, not the government. If you want those choices made for you move to Venezuela and let Hugo Chavez decide what you watch on TV.
America: the place that everyone hates, yet millions of people are breaking the law to get into every year. Truly amazing.
I am making an appeal to all of you to join me in adding to the list of things you love about Wal-Mart, and I will continue to do the same My goal is to make the Wal-Mart issue THE hot issue of the ’08 campaign. It’s the abortion of the 2010’s.
Read my lips, I love Wal-Mart!
God Bless America!!