I F-Ing LOVE Wal-Mart!

By: The Rick

June 28, 2008

Wal-Mart, as American as Apple Pie and Baseball

Well while my dear friend Stonecipher was off ranting and raving about his horrible experience at his local Wal-Mart, it gave me a second to ponder- why do so many people hate Wal-Mart? 

I guess the first thing I can say is who the hell really has that strong an opinion on anything, let alone a store?  As I took an evening to look at my own beliefs about Sam Walton and his now famous line of stores I started to realize two things.  Number one, everyone I know who truly hates Wal-Mart is a certified card-carrying Communist.  Number two- I love Wal-Mart!!  SO, here is my list of reasons I love Wal-Mart and therefore America!

I love any place you can drop your car off to get an oil change and do your grocery shopping while you wait. 

I love any store where you can buy a five pound package of bacon.

I love paying cheap prices for everything.  I went there the other night to get some Gatorade and ended up buying a $6 pair of khaki shorts.  Only at Wal-Mart!

I love the old people who greet me at Wal-Mart and are truly pleased that I have chosen to shop there. 

I love the fact that Wal-Mart has their own knock off brand which is EVEN CHEAPER than the prices to begin with.

I love that their brand has the name Wal- in everything.  Like Wal-borne instead of Air-Borne.  Stealing someone else’s idea and making the same product cheaper!  That’s the American way, and PURE CAPITALISM.

I love that Wal-Mart is the chief employer of the unemployable in every town in America.  In the words of Judge Smails from Cadsdyshack (and in tribute to Ted Knight, one of the most underrated comedy actors of all time) “The world needs ditch diggers too!" 

The fact is that I don’t have time to go to five different stores to get everything I need and compare prices when I can just go to Wal-Mart and get everything cheap.

I love that in urban areas, you can hear at least 10 different languages being spoken at Wal-Mart.  And that’s just at the checkout line.  Its like a poor man’s UN meeting.

I love that Wal-Mart is single handedly supporting the entire GDP of the state of Arkansas.

I love that you can get an eye exam at my local Wal-Mart.

I love that there is a Subway sandwich store in my local Wal-Mart.

And to all you haters:  this is America.  The market should dictate whether people are being paid fair wages, whether prices for goods are too high and what you should be able to buy in any store, not the government.  If you want those choices made for you move to Venezuela and let Hugo Chavez decide what you watch on TV. 

America: the place that everyone hates, yet millions of people are breaking the law to get into every year.  Truly amazing. 

I am making an appeal to all of you to join me in adding to the list of things you love about Wal-Mart, and I will continue to do the same  My goal is to make the Wal-Mart issue THE hot issue of the ’08 campaign.  It’s the abortion of the 2010’s.

Read my lips, I love Wal-Mart!

God Bless America!!

Comments

[Ricky Skaggs]

Stone,

Can you please tell Mr. Rick that Wal-borne is also sold at Walgreens . . . so it's not just a WalMart store brand.

Also, can you tell him that WalMart tried to kill my father . . . and they steal tricycles from little kids?

Also, Stone: which is worse?

WalMart? or Applebees?

[Matt]

I love that Walmart is the only place that sells "Double Chocolate Muffin Mix"

[Sam Walton]

That was retarded.

[Supporter]

What do I love about Wal-Mart.. the fact that they drive down the price of items that are stupidly expensive.

This is one example I was thinking about yesterday. Popcorn. When I was a kid, microwave popcorn at the local grocery store ("Pages", a regional chain) was retardedly expensive. There were no generic brands, and Pop-Secret or whatever was like $2.99 for a package of 3 bags. So, my parents being cheap, I rarely ever got to eat popcorn. I lived in Indiana, we were SURROUNDED by corn.. wtf?

Then, Wal-Mart came to our town - they sell this brand called Pop Weaver. The popcorn tastes the same as the others, but Wal-Mart had a 15-pack for like $1.67 back then. Holy crap! Suddenly popcorn was all my cheap parents bought me for snacks. The 15-pack has went up in price over the years, now it is around $3, which is still a great deal. I love Wal-Mart!!

[Gonzalo]

To each his own. Those who do not like Wal-Mart do not count. This is not an election. If people didn't appreciate shopping at Wal-Mart, the place would go out of business. So, any discussions of this nature serve no purpose in the long run. In business, a one percent approval rating can be a bonanza. What the rest of the consumers think is irrelevant.

[pratt]

If you cant make popcorn without a microwave you're a douchebag (which is whst they should name those popcorn bags) douchbags

[GR]

Walmart's crap is made in China and India by children.

You get what you pay for.

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

[2girs1]

Wal-Mart is way cooler than a http://crapcannon.com

[Cristian]

You should watch http://www.walmartmovie.com/ This movie doesn't even go into the horrible damage Walmart is doing to poor countries.

[Dustin]

Something else to add to the list. Since Americans are always self conscious about their looks they should love walmart. Walmart is the one place where you can put on the first thing you see in your closet and you're almost certain to look better than at least one person in the store

[johm doe]

I love people who think capitalism works without gov't regulation.

[kyle]

wal*mart's business plan:

step 1: hire employees at substandard wages. give said employees just enough hours to get out of having to pay benefits.
step 2: employees need to use public assistance despite having a job that should, in theory, pay them a living wage.
step 3: wal*mart has essentially found a way to get your tax dollars into its coffers.

if that's not enough to get you to stop shopping there, just set foot into one of their dumpier stores (they have a LOT of them).

i think that when obi-wan described Mos Eisley as a "wretched hive of scum and villainy", he was most likely REALLY talking about wal*mart.

plus, EVERYTHING HAS A COST. price does not equate to cost. the price of a particular item at wal*mart reflects very poorly on the actual cost of the item.

using your popcorn as an example: the reason corn used to be so expensive was because we didn't grow that much of it (this is before high fructose corn syrup and 'bio'fuels) and because farming used to be much more sustainable.

the cheap popcorn you love is a direct result of unsustainable farming practices and artificial supply increases brought upon by the biofuel and junkfood industries.

your opinion is, i'm afraid, sadly uninformed.

[Jeremy]

I love Wal-Mart vision center. Been there for years and love it.

[tbone]

Actually, it is an election. In a capitalist society people vote with dollars. Feedback is immediate and if the voter isn't satisfied, the store goes out of business.

[Alex]

Ricky Skaggs, Wal-Mart corporation owns Walgreens hence the title "Wal" in front of it.

[skunk]

The other post was about bad service and blatant lying to a paying customer. That's not America, i like Walmart too but it is a huge oppressive organization that is run on the backs of really poor kids making cheap stuff for you foreign made domestic pickup truck. Stop fooling your self like the many ranting "proud" Americans.

[Kristen]

I love they are not in the grocery store union, so as a high school kid you get paid a good 3 dollars more than all your friends working in grocery stores.

[Protest and Survive]

I love the fact that Nafta was written partly with Walmart and cheaper outsourcing in mind.

I love the fact that Walmart are the reason that most of the US manufacturing jobs are gone to China or elsewhere.

I love the fact that the same people that had those jobs - creating american products in small towns all over the US, have to shop at walmart for the same products they used to make - now being produced in China or elsewhere.

Nothing makes me more happy than not shopping at Walmart. Throw Sams Club on that pile as well. I will pay more for american proucts. And yes there are still products made in the US. The dont sell them at walmart though.

Nothing is more american than supporting companies that outsource everything overseas that they sell to us.

I'd give you the 5 pounds of bacon thing. However you eating 5 pounds of bacon is going to cause my health insurance premiums to rise.

Btw, a good chunk of the cheap food being sold in walmart is produced in China and other places overseas. Bon appetit!

[Will]

Wal-Mart is like most modern staples. You must take the good with the bad. My favorite Wal-Mart pro is that they're ALWAYS open. Most "mom and pop" business are only open 9-5, the exact hours when I'm at work!

[HS Teacher]

Your grammar is atrocious. Proper grammar is essential to an argument's validity and I'm terribly afraid your article has neither.

[george]

fine in theory, crap in practice

[jayjomofro]

I feel the same way. Im sick of hearing haters bash the only store that doesnt gouge the customer for a profit. If it were not for stores like wal-mart some Americans wouldnt be able to afford to live in this country. As for the people who work there, start putting in apps. somewhere else, or keep it as a second job. Who works for Wal-Mart as a greeter or a clerk as a career anyways. Its the only place I know of that will hire a moron who thought it was a good idea to get a tattoo on his face!

[al]

So basically it's alright for wal mart to put small, unique local businesses out of business because you're cheap and lazy? You're right, that's the heart and soul of America right there, and if you don't like it you can get out!

[Geez]

Walgreens is not owned by Wal-mart. Walgreens was founded in 1901 and is a publicly traded company. Do a search before you spread your idiotic F.U.D.

[andrew]

"your opinion is, i'm afraid, sadly uninformed."

you're a douche.

it is HIS opinion. what you see is what you get. if i buy domestic beer from walmart and it's clearly cheaper than other places, am i fucking over poor children in india? no.

and just for the fact that you compare a legitimate business to star wars is about where i stopped reading your comment.

this is a blog. this is his opinion. you don't have to agree with it. but we don't need to hear of how much he is wrong.. when technically he is not. nothing he said inside of his post is uninformed. it's the truth.